Photo by alexisnyal via Flickr
Published: August 28, 2017
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Geoff MacDonald of the department of psychology at U of T leads the MacDonald social psychology research lab, where he and his team study a range of topics, from attachment theory, interpersonal attraction, social exclusion and fear of rejection. “I want to understand why we relate to each other the way we do – what is the space between us, and what draws us to risk narrowing that space?” MacDonald shares five tips to build healthier intimate relationships, and a couple of recommended reads.
1. Go to therapy.
In close intimate relationships, the best predictor of how kind you perceive your partner as acting towards you is how kind you act towards your partner[i]. You create the environment, including the relationship, you live in. Make a better relationship by making a better you.
2. Learn how to disagree.
Resolving disagreements is part of being intimate[ii]. Although settling disagreements can seem hard to do, there are some relatively simple rules and strategies for doing it better. Reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is a great start.
3. Support and celebrate each other.
Being willing to listen and sympathize when your partner is down is important[iii]. For example, if they’ve had a bad day at work don’t say something dismissive like “You’ll be fine” or “What are you complaining about, I’m working 12 hour days!”. Ask them why it was bad, really try to understand from their point of view why it upset them, and communicate your sympathy. However, being enthusiastic and excited for them when things are going well may be even more important[iv]. So, if they had a good day, show excitement for them and ask them to tell you all about it.
4. Grow and support your partner’s growth.
Passion comes from novelty – this is why passion is so easy to come by at the start of a relationship. Trying new things, both as individuals and as a couple, is the best way to keep the spark alive[v]. So do something that might be a bit anxiety provoking and that forces you out of your comfort zone (I personally recommend an improv class). And when your partner wants to try something new that’s not your thing, encourage them to do it, facilitate the experience (e.g., agree to watch the kids by yourself for one night a week), and talk about it regularly with them as they go through the process of trying it.
5. Understand your attachment patterns.
There are some pretty common patterns in how people approach their close relationships, based on what’s called attachment anxiety and avoidance[vi]. Understanding your attachment patterns can help you understand things you do in relationships to get in the way of your own goals. The book Attached by Amir Levine is a really useful resource.